Apparently I need to handle my Blood Pressure.

 

Not sure if it is stress or lifestyle or genetics... but my blood pressure was so high yesterday morning (after a night of binge eating all the salt I could stand)... that i was dizzy and sick to my stomach. 

Have I been under some stress? 

Yes. Isn't everyone?

Could my lifestyle decisions be better?

Yes. I could eat ALOT better.

Could it be genetics?

yeahhhh... but nahhhhhhhhhhhhh...

AND, as if life wasn't already hard enough, my oldest sent me the most awful scathing message out of nowhere. He tore me apart.... completely hates me and was not specific about why.... called me a bunch of names and gave no examples of my behaviour... just flat out name calling.

Was my mother awful? yes. 

But, ...... do i have examples proving my point? yes.

He has nothing but anger. I immediately blocked my son from messaging me again and then sent the message to his father. His father was unhappy with the message sent to me and agreed that it was completely out of line and uncalled for... and wrong... he was just as baffled as me.

My kids aren't kids anymore. My two oldest are adults. Life has yet to even begin to kick them... kick them harder than they can even imagine. I would hope they would watch the videos or look at the photos of how I documented and remember their lives. They had amazing childhoods. I wasn't a perfect mother but I certainly wasn't that bad...

I have no idea what on earth my oldest is remembering. But I only have fond memories of him. No big fights. He was a joy as a child. I took him on lots of adventures. Camping, swimming, surfing, rock-climbing, judo, gymnastics, baseball, soccer, .... we did everything.... but...  

now....it is......... what it is........

He hates me and I have high blood pressure ... all I can do is be here, with a new diet and exercise plan and a machine that i can check my blood pressure at home because ill be damned if i am gonna take some blood pressure pills... at 47....

  

I hate my job.

I have been trying to love this job.

Both my hands have been gripping it like a lifeline for what seems like a lifetime...telling myself its not that bad. The money sucks but sometimes i win contests and get gift-cards for amazon. I even did today - another $35.

Is that enough? Maybe a year ago it was enough to keep me interested... but that was before i realized how my mental health would suffer.. how i would begin to joke with coworkers that our bosses should start a "stress ball of the month club"...  

But all joking aside, the day in day and day out of being told by my supervisors that I am doing things wrong. And Managers saying I am doing things wrong... and then the customers upset at me. Some even swear at me for things out of my control... decisions I never made...

Daily. I am not kidding. It.. is ... daily.

Imagine daily being told you aren't good enough.

It is like having your soul stabbed over and over again.

I have almost run out of blood to bleed for this job. 

I even tried to move into a different position, had a great interview and was told I would know either way in two weeks...

... and that proved to be lie ... on a mountain of reasons to hate this job.  

People that are paid to be my teacher.... actually get upset at me when I ask a question.

I am miserable. 

Change is coming.

It has to.

March 2021 - self sabotaging continues.....

 

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

If you have been here, then you know the struggle...

Before I go to bed I have amazing ideas.... and as soon as i wake up... i regret those very decisions.

Kale has been living with us for a month, and he has finally secured a job and starts sometime next week at Wendy's. 

As of Monday, Mitchell has gone to live in Halifax at Phoenix House. He didn't like our rules and after a very long day of trying to get help from anyone and everyone, we found him a bed at a shelter. His brother got a bed at the same shelter the next day. This is an ongoing event. Very tramatising.

I am currently eating a salad.

It is blahhumbug.

I havent been going to the gym. I have decided I either need to go at 4am or not at all.

I am supposed to do a 4x4x48 challenge starting tomorrow at 8pm... i am on the fence.

le sigh..........................................

February 2021 - Resetting

 February is my Life Spring Deep Clean-Up. 

Cleaning the Apartment:

Kale moved in so we needed to build a bedroom in the living-room. We now have a 3 bedroom apartment with no living-room. Because of this we had to go through our items one by one. I am committed to owning less than 100 things and will start today to try and list each item that isn't culled.

We have quite a situation with wall space. We have wayyyyyy too many pictures to hang. And on top of that, John and I both recently started watercolor painting. It started as a drunk hobby... as I had always wanted to do a "paint night"... so we started our own, in house, drinking and painting and snacking paint nights... now we have our own paintings to hang... lol  

Cleaning up my Diet:

I will spend this month fine-tuning my eating. I have been quiet good so far and have started going to the gym regularly. My plan is to hit the gym every morning and then after work, take Kale down to the gym. 

Cleaning the Property:

We bought the land in Wentworth and am committed to building a small building ASAP. We had a talk and decided the best thing is to sell our travel trailer. We bought it to go to the states and yet.... here we are ... not even allowed in NB!...

Cleaning up the Budget:

This is a fun one! I love to budget! Right now our budget is done until Oct 2021 and it looks pretty good! We will try and sell the trailer which will help the budget but if it doesnt sell right away.. then we get to use the trailer on the property... soooo win/win! 

... I need to focus on me and my health and I spend too much time scrolling through garbage. ... I am currently done with Facebook... deleted it off my phone and today my Instagram might go bye-bye... I like Tiktok... and Youtube... i think i will focus on them... I only go on Twitter while working... 

When my phone plan is over (This August?) I will be dropping down to no data and pay as you go... 

... I am tired of feeling disconnected. 

Big things are happening ...

:)

 

One step closer to a lifelong dream - Wentworth, NS

 

Ever since I can remember being asked, I would tell people, if I could live ANYWHERE on earth.... it would be Wentworth Nova Scotia.

And I truly feel that everything in my life has brought me to this place and time where I am two weeks away from co-owning a piece of property there. I am over the moon excited about it!

I am even binge-watching YouTube videos about building a winter camp so I can spend my weekends there... surrounded by the quiet I remember from living offgrid.   

Check out "lonewolf902" on YouTube... amazing content!! 

I am slowly recovering from being sick, and am still a little under the weather.. operating at about 80%.

But I have a big amazing weekend planned in Wentworth with my hubby ... so excited about life right now!!!!

Happy New Year! 2021.

A New Year!

My word this year is "Intention."

I want to do all things with Intention. I want to stop watching garbage on netflix/prime/disney+ and instead, I want to fill my head with knowledge. Learn new things. Workout with intention, eat with intention.

I am paying to be a part of the "Big Ass Calender Club" with Jesse Itzler and that will help to keep me focused on what I want.

The Club comes with a very active Facebook group full of people like me that like a challenge. My Calender will be here soon and I will get it up on my wall and plan my whole year!

I want to run 100km in May and 100 miler in Oct. I want to learn the ukalele and take a snowboard lesson. I want to winter camp outside and buy land in Wentworth. I want to have meaningful adventures with my kids... i know there isnt much time left with them.

I had a bit of a fit to John about how I only see them 12 times a year... and that each time needs to be amazing!

I want to stop beating myself up over my past and focus on having the best future.

John and I are starting a brand new company and winding down our society. It just isnt working and it is a bit of a strain on me...

I am ready!!!

2021!!!!

Whatever works.

 

Yesterday I was pretty low.

I am alone a lot. More than is good for a human. 

After I got off work, John had gone to his friend's to play role playing games so I went shopping.

On the way, I listened to the comedy channel on our Sirius radio. The comedian talked about being from Long Island NY. He told the story about jumping from a bridge (for fun, not suicide) into water but got nervous. Then this boat showed up with a guy and girl. The guy yells "Do It!

The comedian jumper was looking at the cold water.

The boat guy continued to yell up at the jumper. Egging him to jump. 

Finally the boat guy yells up "Dont you fucking wuss out with my girl watching."

The comedian then jumped. He later joked that he wished he had the boat guy following him around in his life. Yelling at him not to wuss out in front of his girl.

lol.

Last night I re-listened to the Shia LaBeouf's "Just do it" motivational speech on Youtube.

I need more of that.

I dont have a boat guy yelling at me to not wuss out... but I have Shia on Youtube... close enough... as long as it works.

Not being able to run... again.. sucks... I had plans to run 2020km in 2020... and for a while I was going to make it.... now I am not sure. 

:(

I am sick of being injured. I want to run and swim and workout. For now I am stuck with walking.

My eating has been 99% soft veggies and vegan yogurt. 

I need more water.

blahhhhh humbug...

cue the Shia video ... for the 56th time today....