Apparently I need to handle my Blood Pressure.

 

Not sure if it is stress or lifestyle or genetics... but my blood pressure was so high yesterday morning (after a night of binge eating all the salt I could stand)... that i was dizzy and sick to my stomach. 

Have I been under some stress? 

Yes. Isn't everyone?

Could my lifestyle decisions be better?

Yes. I could eat ALOT better.

Could it be genetics?

yeahhhh... but nahhhhhhhhhhhhh...

AND, as if life wasn't already hard enough, my oldest sent me the most awful scathing message out of nowhere. He tore me apart.... completely hates me and was not specific about why.... called me a bunch of names and gave no examples of my behaviour... just flat out name calling.

Was my mother awful? yes. 

But, ...... do i have examples proving my point? yes.

He has nothing but anger. I immediately blocked my son from messaging me again and then sent the message to his father. His father was unhappy with the message sent to me and agreed that it was completely out of line and uncalled for... and wrong... he was just as baffled as me.

My kids aren't kids anymore. My two oldest are adults. Life has yet to even begin to kick them... kick them harder than they can even imagine. I would hope they would watch the videos or look at the photos of how I documented and remember their lives. They had amazing childhoods. I wasn't a perfect mother but I certainly wasn't that bad...

I have no idea what on earth my oldest is remembering. But I only have fond memories of him. No big fights. He was a joy as a child. I took him on lots of adventures. Camping, swimming, surfing, rock-climbing, judo, gymnastics, baseball, soccer, .... we did everything.... but...  

now....it is......... what it is........

He hates me and I have high blood pressure ... all I can do is be here, with a new diet and exercise plan and a machine that i can check my blood pressure at home because ill be damned if i am gonna take some blood pressure pills... at 47....

  

I hate my job.

I have been trying to love this job.

Both my hands have been gripping it like a lifeline for what seems like a lifetime...telling myself its not that bad. The money sucks but sometimes i win contests and get gift-cards for amazon. I even did today - another $35.

Is that enough? Maybe a year ago it was enough to keep me interested... but that was before i realized how my mental health would suffer.. how i would begin to joke with coworkers that our bosses should start a "stress ball of the month club"...  

But all joking aside, the day in day and day out of being told by my supervisors that I am doing things wrong. And Managers saying I am doing things wrong... and then the customers upset at me. Some even swear at me for things out of my control... decisions I never made...

Daily. I am not kidding. It.. is ... daily.

Imagine daily being told you aren't good enough.

It is like having your soul stabbed over and over again.

I have almost run out of blood to bleed for this job. 

I even tried to move into a different position, had a great interview and was told I would know either way in two weeks...

... and that proved to be lie ... on a mountain of reasons to hate this job.  

People that are paid to be my teacher.... actually get upset at me when I ask a question.

I am miserable. 

Change is coming.

It has to.

March 2021 - self sabotaging continues.....

 

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

If you have been here, then you know the struggle...

Before I go to bed I have amazing ideas.... and as soon as i wake up... i regret those very decisions.

Kale has been living with us for a month, and he has finally secured a job and starts sometime next week at Wendy's. 

As of Monday, Mitchell has gone to live in Halifax at Phoenix House. He didn't like our rules and after a very long day of trying to get help from anyone and everyone, we found him a bed at a shelter. His brother got a bed at the same shelter the next day. This is an ongoing event. Very tramatising.

I am currently eating a salad.

It is blahhumbug.

I havent been going to the gym. I have decided I either need to go at 4am or not at all.

I am supposed to do a 4x4x48 challenge starting tomorrow at 8pm... i am on the fence.

le sigh..........................................